Superstitious

Being well educated and over read doesn't mean I'm not superstitious. An example my mothers parents were very very good to me and four men. My sister jokes our grandmother is the reason we never made the 11 pm news or the front page of the daily news. My grandfather worked for the delayed late and weary aka Delaware Lackawanna and western rr poor man was half deaf and in NJ at that time he wasn't allowed to drive so we always took trains. I am what railroaders call a foamer if I see a train or better yet drive under one I consider it my grandparents bestowing good luck. I want to tell you about seeing 3 people at 3 different times on 3 different highways and they all died. One was on rte 17 met him when I taught at Hudson county community college he started the African American museum in Jersey City a great learned man I gave him a copy,of the Morris canal book and also 2 racist items mt non racist fathers told me were worth something a history of Belleville and a black china doll. The next was my daughter. Mike and I were coming back from the shore so was she we beeped and we all stopped at the next rest areas so we could buy her goodies of course she was murdered. Next was a guy who lived in my building he heartily disliked the same people I did was also as sarcastic as Ian we had great afternoons at the pool when I worked my split shifts for the telephone company when I was hospitalized a few years ago for a very bad uti I heard his voice he was in the room across the hall dying from mad cow would love to,know where he shopped prior to this we had seen him once on rte 80'and he had seen us yes he too died . I also think there's a lot to be said for dreams I always had vivid ones. Before my father got sick I dreamed he had uremic poisoning but I wound up with kidney disease. The night I was notified Morgan was murdered earlier in the day I had had my first physical therapy appointment it was opposite Hackensack hospital from the window I could see all the ambulances entering she hadn't called me all day since she returned from vacation the night before we only spoke briefly and I was feeling very very sick it was as if I know. It's odd how things affect you. My mother was the type that if you told her you hands headache she would say you gave her one by saying it so you can understand how my thinking has a warp if I dreamed of a number my fathers would run out and play it. My thinking is disconcerting as I love science read a lot is science based books articles periodicals but I can't stop thinking about the cosmic conscious the things like the rhizome theory and so on

Custody

Welcome to more of the horror show shortly before my breakdown in 1969 I had been dating a guy who my friends had fixed me up with I would mention the name but I was told his family had real mob and I know that they had political connections I was stupid he told me he had 1 testicle a hs football injury low sperm count making this short I missed my period failed a pregnancy test he arranged an illegal saline induction done by an rn in her home he made sure he was away at the national guard the next day wracked in pain I went to class had the good sense to go home my grandmother was visiting I wound up hemmoraghing needed an ambulance and an emergency d and c because I was working going to school full time and getting what they called adc someone at Margaret Hague came into the room said if I didn't name the father I had to pay being stupid I got my girlfriend from school to get the money from my grandmother but it gets better my exhusband kept delaying on purpose the divorce until the no fault law was passed to further screw me he had time to join a frat at college I had to wash cloth diapers so I had to take a bus got to I think it was part of the prosecutors office guy asked me if I knew why I had a nervous breakdown honest I said because maybe I had had an illegal abortion lost a lot of blood was exhausted did not know I had post partum untreated depression so he said I have to tell this to your husband looking back I hope he got penile cancer for setting me up the result was I had to agree to let my mother has custody as she did ex would take daughter this put me in an even Deeper depression than not being able to do the student teaching although I managed to later get an apartment with Morgan my mother refused to contact chancery get custody reverted held it over my head later Morgan who was the greatest human being on earth told me if doesn't matter mom actually since you don't exist on paper and grandma by now is   A widow I made out better with financial aid I should title blog how a middle class wasp mayflower descendant fot fucked by the system and fucked royally by a named individuals